Pinocchio May Need Glasses
by Hokuto Uchiha
Summary: Modern AU. After Pinocchio is sent home by his teacher, Geppetto takes his son to the eye doctor. On the way, Geppetto and Pinocchio are annoyed by various other people. Rated T for some cursing.
1. Class Fight and A Note

**Author's Note:** I got this idea while watching the _Family Guy _episode where Peter got a genie after drinking a can of beer and makes some dumb wishes.

P.S.: This is an AU, where everyone is living in modern day with city buses and stuff.

P.S. #2: WARNING! This chapter has some cursing in it; I put it in after thinking of the _South Park _movie scene where Cartman, Kyle, Stan, and Kenny curse in class and get in trouble for it.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 1: Class Fight and A Note<strong>

Pinocchio was sitting in class on a beautiful, sunny, cloudless day. The teacher, Mr. Meucci, went on about something to do with math. Pinocchio squinted at the blackboard as if trying to see what was written on it.

Mr. Meucci stopped explaining the problem, then looked at the children in the room. "Can anyone tell me what three times ten is?" He saw a little boy raising his hand. "Yes, Alexander?"

"One million?" Alexander guessed.

"Okay…good guess," said Mr. Meucci, not wanting to embarrass his student. "Anyone else? Come on, don't be shy."

"I think I know the answer, Mr. Meucci," a little girl named Luigina said excitedly.

"'I think I know the answer, Mr. Meucci'," Lampwick (whose real name was Romeo) mimicked the girl.

"Hey, shut up, Beaver Teeth!" Luigina said.

"Hey! Don't call me Beaver Teeth, you fucking bimbo!" Lampwick replied.

"Romeo, did you just say the "F" word?" Mr. Meucci asked.

"Bimbo?" Lampwick asked, trying to play dumb.

"No, he's talking about fuck! You can't say fuck in school, you fucking jackass!" Luigina said.

"Luigina!" said Mr. Meucci.

Pinocchio and his friend, Jiminy Cricket, shook their heads and put their faces in their hands.

"Why the fuck not?" Lampwick asked.

"Romeo!" said Mr. Meucci.

"Lampy, you just said fuck again," said Alexander.

"Alexander!"

"Fuck," another girl named Ernesta said out of the blue.

"Ernesta!"

"What's the big deal? It's not hurting anybody," said Lampwick.

"How would you all like to see the school counselor?" Mr. Meucci asked furiously.

"How would you like to—" Lampwick began.

"Cut it out," Pinocchio said through gritted teeth to the kid next to him.

"Fine," Lampwick said with a sigh. He crossed his arms and doodled on his workbook.

"That's better," said Mr. Meucci. "Now, Luigina, since you had your hand raised, what is three times ten?"

"Three hundred?" the little girl said. Obviously, she wasn't paying attention.

"This is madness…" Lampwick said, much to Pinocchio's annoyance. "This…is…SPARTA!"

Pinocchio let out a groan and was still trying to make out the writing on the blackboard. It was bad enough that Lampwick made him watch the movie 300 with him three hundred times in a row; now he had to go and quote the movie in class? Pinocchio didn't mind hanging out with Lampwick, but he could be really annoying at times.

"Romeo, do I have to call your parents?" Mr. Meucci asked.

"No," Lampwick mumbled. He sank back in his chair and put his feet up on the desk.

Mr. Meucci got back to the lesson at hand. "Good try, Luigina. Can anyone else tell me the answer? How about you, Pinocchio?" He turned his attention to one of the smartest students in the class.

"Uh…" Pinocchio said. "What does that say?" He pointed to the problem on the board.

Mr. Meucci looked surprised.

"Um…is it…um…three thousand and one?" Pinocchio asked.

A look of concern graced Mr. Meucci's features. "Okay…um, Pinocchio, I'm going to send you home for the day." He scribbled a note, motioned for Pinocchio to come up to his desk, and gave the boy the folded piece of paper. "Give this to your father, okay?"

"Okay," Pinocchio replied. He grabbed his stuff and walked out of the classroom. Lampwick decided to follow him.

* * *

><p>"Ooooooooh, you're in trouuuuublllllle," Lampwick said in a singsong voice.<p>

"Stop it," said Pinocchio. He tried his best to ignore the boy next to him.

"That's it, Pinoch," Jiminy whispered while perched on Pinocchio's head. "Don't give him the satisfaction. Just ignore him."

"Pinocchio's in trouble, Pinocchio's in trouble," Lampwick sang as he followed Pinocchio out of the school. He was now riding on his moped.

* * *

><p>Pinocchio reached his house half an hour later. He saw his father, Geppetto, working on a new clock.<p>

Geppetto heard the door open and close. He knew his son must be home. Then he looked at the clock on the DVR: Eleven-thirty in the morning. School didn't let out until three-fifteen in the afternoon.

"Pinocchio, you're home early," Geppetto said. He put the clock he was working on down.

"Mr. Meucci sent me home with this," Pinocchio said. He handed his father the note.

"Huh?" Geppetto said. He opened the note and read it:

_Geppetto,_

_Pinocchio was having trouble seeing the math problem on the blackboard in class today. Please make an appointment with the eye doctor as soon as possible._

_Have a good day,_

_Mr. Meucci_

Geppetto put the note down.

"Father, is it bad?" Pinocchio asked. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No, Pinocchio, you didn't do anything wrong," said Geppetto. "Your teacher said you were having trouble seeing the math problem on the board in class today. Is that true?"

"Well…yeah," an embarrassed Pinocchio said.

"Well, I'll make an appointment with the eye doctor for tomorrow," said Geppetto. "Oh, my little Pinocchio, you may need glasses."

Geppetto and Pinocchio saw Lampwick dancing outside their window.

"Father, Lampwick followed me here," said Pinocchio.

* * *

><p>Geppetto opened the front door and glared at the buck-teethed boy. "Do I have to call your parents?"<p>

"Uh, no," said Lampwick. He quickly took his moped back to school.

* * *

><p>"Jiminy, how did Mr. Meucci know I had trouble seeing the problem on the board?" Pinocchio asked.<p>

"You were squinting," said Jiminy.

"Oh," Pinocchio said as Figaro started clawing at the couch.


	2. The Annoying Bus Ride

**Chapter 2: The Annoying Bus Ride**

The next day, Geppetto and Pinocchio walked out of the house. Jiminy was, once again, sitting on Pinocchio's head.

"Hey, squinty!" Lampwick called.

"Romeo, I will call your parents if you don't stop bothering my son," Geppetto said. His glare scared Lampwick, who screamed like a little girl and ran into a Subway, where he got thrown out for bothering the customers.

"Dicks!" Lampwick shouted and flipped the Subway manager off. Then he strutted towards the bus stop, where Geppetto and Pinocchio were waiting to catch the bus to the eye doctor.

"Lampy, what'cha doin'?" Lampwick's little sister, Loreta, asked.

"Shaddup, Loreta, go away," Lampwick retorted. He stuck his tongue out at his sister.

"Meanie!" Loreta said and pouted. "Hey, you're supposed to be in school! Why are ya here, anyway?"

"Oh…nunya," Lampwick said casually. He walked briskly, trying to ditch Loreta.

"Nunya?" a puzzled Loreta asked.

"Nunya business! Ha-ha!" said Lampwick. "Say…if you're so worked up about me not bein' in school, why aren't _you _in school? Huh?"

"I'm going there right now, doofus!" Loreta said.

"Loreta, hurry up, slowpoke!" Lampwick's little brother, Domenico, shouted from a few feet away.

"Coming!" said Loreta. "Lampy, c'mon, ya hafta go to school, like me and Dom, and Rafaella."

"Mind your own business, Squirt," said Lampwick. "_You _do what you want, _I'll _do what I want. End of story."

Loreta, Domenico, and Rafaella sighed.

"Okay, it's your funeral, Lampy," Domenico warned.

"Mm-hmm," Rafaella agreed. She walked off with Domenico.

"Lampy, if you don't go to school, Mommy's gonna be sooooo mad when she finds out," said Loreta.

"You mean _if _she finds out," said Lampwick.

"'s your funeral," Loreta said as she ran to catch up with Domenico and Rafaella.

Lampwick rolled his eyes at his brother and sisters. "Those wusses. Gee, they're acting like I'm gonna rob a freaking bank or somethin'." He used his stealthy ninja skills and followed Geppetto and Pinocchio onto the bus.

* * *

><p>"The eye doctor, please," said Geppetto.<p>

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, move!" the bus driver, a big man with a red coat and a cigar in his mouth, said to Geppetto.

Geppetto and Pinocchio sat down.

"Gee, what a grouch, right, Pinoch?" said Jiminy.

"Yeah," Pinocchio agreed.

* * *

><p>Lampwick was just about to sit down when…<p>

"Hey, you! You've gotta pay!" the bus driver, who preferred to be called "The Coachman", shouted.

"Uh…I already did," said Lampwick.

"No you didn't," said the Coachman. "Now, either you pay the fare, or I kick you off." He got in Lampwick's face, blowing cigar smoke towards him. "Your choice. Ass kicking, or pay."

"Alright, alright, I'll pay," Lampwick whined. He deposited fifty cents into the bus fare machine, then proceeded to head towards Geppetto and Pinocchio. "Oh, by the way, you might wanna try some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath STINKS!"

The Coachman looked like he was going to have an ulcer, but took a deep breath and kept on driving. "Stupid brat. I hate that beaver kid, he bloody pisses me off," he muttered.

* * *

><p>Lampwick plopped down in the seat next to Pinocchio.<p>

"Oh no," said Jiminy.

"Not him again," Geppetto said.

Lampwick kept on using his knees as bongo drums and sang.

_**Riding on the bus, riding on the bus**_

_**Sitting next to bums**_

_**There's an open seat**_

_**Hope ya didn't pee.**_

When Lampwick sang about sitting next to bums, he was referring to a fox named Honest John and his cat friend, Gideon, who both looked like they wanted to murder the kid.

* * *

><p>"Father, can we change seats?" Pinocchio asked. He and Geppetto were trying their best not to listen to Lampwick.<p>

"I wish we could, but the bus is moving," said Geppetto. "Don't worry, we'll lose him at the eye doctor. Then I'll call his mother."

"Hey! Cut it out!" the Coachman yelled at Lampwick.

"Alright, don't have a cow, old timer!" said Lampwick. "Gee, Pinokey, ya can't do anything fun on this stupid bus, huh?"

"You're not supposed to bother people on the bus," said Pinocchio. "Cut it out. And shouldn't you be in school?"

"Oh, school, schmool," said Lampwick. "Will you relax? Gee, you've got a bigger stick up your ass than my old man."

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, at the doctor's office, Lampwick's dad was being seen by the proctologist. Lampwick's mom, Stefania, was with him, trying to keep her three toddlers—Vincente, Rina, and Gilberto—in line while, at the same time, changing baby Eufemia's messy diaper.<p>

"Okay, Remigio, what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"It feels like there's something prodding me…from inside," said Remigio.

"Let's take a look, shall we?" the doctor asked.

Stefania covered her kids' eyes so they would give their father a sense of privacy.

The doctor gave Remigio a thorough checkup, until he found the cause of Remigio's discomfort. "Ah, I see what the problem is. You have a stick up your butt."

"A stick up my butt?" Remigio asked.

"My husband has…a stick…up his…_butt_?" asked a confused and perplexed Stefania. "Where did—?"

"Uh, Mommy," Vincente said. "I broughted the stick in the house. Daddy must've sat on it when he was watching TV."

Stefania sighed. "Vincente."

"I'll schedule a stick removal procedure for this afternoon," said the doctor. "It must be removed ASAP, or else he won't be able to sit down!"

* * *

><p>Back on the bus, Geppetto and Pinocchio's neighbor and babysitter, a college-age girl named Velia, walked on wearing a light blue track suit, sneakers, and a white sweatband around her forehead.<p>

"Hi, Blue Fairy!" Pinicchio said. "Blue Fairy" was Pinocchio's nickname for Velia, because of one time when she was dressed as a fairy for a Halloween party that Pinocchio and his dad were invited to last year.

"Hey, Pinocchio," Velia said with a smile. "So, where are you and your dad going?"

"I have to take little Pinocchio to the eye doctor," said Geppetto. "He may need glasses."

"Pfft…WHAT?" Lampwick said with a laugh. He doubled over in hysterics. Jiminy rolled his eyes. "Pinocchio the four-eyed dork, huh? BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"I said shut up!" the Coachman yelled.

"Romeo, stop laughing at Pinocchio," Velia said firmly. "And why aren't you in school? Do I have to call your mom?"

"No," Lampwick mumbled. He sat back in his seat and stayed quiet.

* * *

><p>A big man with a mustache named Stromboli came on the bus. He had trouble fitting through the bus' narrow doorway.<p>

"C'mon, move it!" said the Coachman.

Stromboli tried fitting through the door, at last succeeding after twenty minutes. "Sorry, Coachman. This bus is too narrow." He was about to pay when the Coachman shut the doors on Stromboli's butt.

"Yow!" Stromboli yelled. The bus pulled away, Stromboli's butt hanging out the door. Stromboli got out his old high school ID and showed it to the Coachman. "Student?"

"Are you kidding?" the Coachman asked sarcastically. The picture showed an awkward-looking Stromboli with braces and a Beatles-like haircut.

Stromboli stuffed the ID back into his pocket and took out money for full fare. "Pain in the ass."

* * *

><p>"Jiminy, Stromboli's butt's not on the bus," said Pinocchio. He snickered.<p>

"I know, Pinoch…Hahahahahahaha!" Jiminy said, bursting into laughter.

"This day just keeps getting weirder and weirder," said Geppetto.

"You said it," said Velia.

* * *

><p>The bus continued down the route to Geppetto and Pinocchio's destination, and the Coachman kept yelling at everyone who was laughing at Stromboli to shut up and be quiet. Stromboli cursed in Italian because his butt hurt, and the Coachman told him to be quiet.<p> 


	3. Pinocchio's New Glasses

**Chapter 3: Pinocchio's New Glasses**

About thirty to forty minutes later, the bus came to a stop in front of the eye doctor. Geppetto and Pinocchio, along with several others, got off the bus and went into the office. Unknown to Geppetto and Pinocchio, Lampwick followed them!

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><p>"Okay, Geppetto, sit down, and the doctor will be with you and your son shortly," the receptionist said cheerfully as she took the form with Pinocchio's medical history on it.<p>

"Thank you," said Geppetto. He took Pinocchio, and the two sat and waited patiently for the doctor to come.

"Father, do I really have to get glasses?" Pinocchio asked. "I'll look like a dork. Can't I get contacts instead?"

"We'll see, my little Pinocchio," said Geppetto.

"Hey!" the receptionist yelled at Lampwick, who was doing a jig on the desk. "Sit down, kid!"

"No way," Lampwick said and stuck his tongue out at the woman. Pinocchio face palmed when he saw his friend being…well, himself.

The receptionist looked like she wanted to tear her hair out and strangle Lampwick at the same time. "If you don't get off this fucking desk, I'll—!"

Geppetto looked really ticked off. "Alright, that's it!" He went up to the receptionist's desk. "Excuse me, may I use your phone?"

"Go right ahead," said the receptionist. Lampwick was still dancing a jig, then started doing the Moonwalk. "WILL YOU STOP THAT?"

Lampwick finally jumped down. "Alright, alright, sheesh. Uptight chick." He plopped down next to Pinocchio and pouted. "So, Squinty, when's the doc comin'?"

"Don't call me Squinty," said Pinocchio.

Geppetto dialed the number to Stefania's cell and waited two rings for her to answer.

"_Hello?" _Stefania said. Geppetto could hear the sounds of Rina and Gilberto shouting playfully, and Eufemia babbling incoherently, trying to form words.

"Hello, Stefania? This is Geppetto, Pinocchio's father," said Geppetto.

"_Geppetto, what's wrong? You sound angry," _said Stefania. _"No, no, Gilberto, don't eat that bug, honey." _Gilberto could be heard babbling in protest as Stefania presumably took his newest find away. _"Sorry about that. Now, what's going on?"_

"Your son, Romeo, is here, at the eye doctor," said Geppetto.

"_What?" _Stefania asked. _"He's not in school? That kid…"_

"Yes, he's here, and skipping school," said Geppetto. "He's bothering me and Pinocchio."

"_Romeo…" _Stefania said tiredly. _"Okay, I'll come get him. Thanks for telling me. See you later."_

"Thank you," said Geppetto. "Bye." He hung up and thanked the receptionist for letting him use the phone. Then he sat back down with Pinocchio.

"Hey, jackass, you're not supposed to be here," Jiminy scolded Lampwick. "You should be in school."

"I'm not a donkey, beetle!" said Lampwick.

"This is just like the time you, Alexander, and Pinocchio tried to sneak into the state fair wearing a donkey costume!" said Jiminy.

"Whatever," said Lampwick.

* * *

><p>"<em>Lampy, are you sure this will work?" Pinocchio asked as he, Alexander, and Lampwick approached the ticket stand wearing a donkey costume.<em>

"_Of course it will," Lampwick said confidently._

"_Why do I have to be the butt?" asked Pinocchio._

"_Because I'm taller than you," said Lampwick._

"_It's hot back here," said Alexander, who was in the middle._

"_Quiet!" Lampwick whispered. He, Alexander, and Pinocchio were at the ticket stand. "One ticket, please."_

"_Okay," said the ticket stand guy. Just then, Pinocchio sneezed. "Hey, your ass just sneezed. And donkeys don't talk! No, no, none of this is adding up at all!"_

'_Dammit, Pinokey,' Lampwick thought as he and his two friends were literally chased off the fairgrounds._

* * *

><p>"Pinocchio?" the doctor said.<p>

"Come on, son," said Geppetto. He and Pinocchio followed the doctor into an exam room, where the doctor looked at Pinocchio's eyes and asked him questions about several slides. Then, after the exam was done, the doctor wrote a prescription for Pinocchio.

"Okay, Pinocchio, you'll need glasses," said the doctor. "Eventually, you'll be able to get contacts, but for right now, I want to get used to wearing glasses."

"Okay," said Pinocchio.

"You'll be able to pick out the glasses you want," the doctor added.

"Thank you, doctor," said Geppetto. "Have a good day." he and Pinocchio left the doctor's office and headed out the door. Lampwick followed. Geppetto looked back and saw the boy. "Why are you still here?"

"Hey, c'mon, old man," said Lampwick. "I just wanna hang with my buddy."

* * *

><p>Geppetto and Pinocchio headed to Wal-Mart and went to the Vision Center, where Pinocchio picked out his new glasses.<p>

"Wow, those look good on you, Pinoch," said Jiminy.

"Really? Thanks, Jiminy!" said Pinocchio. He and his father walked out of Wal-Mart. Pinocchio was brimming with confidence about his new glasses. But the moment was short-lived, because…

"What the heck…?" Lampwick asked, laughing hysterically. "Oh my God, what the heck are those? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, geez, you're killing me, Pinokey! You're killing me!" Lampwick followed Geppetto and Pinocchio farther, until his mother pulled up.

Stefania beeped the car horn. "Romeo!" She looked stern when she called her son's name.

Lampwick looked at the car and its driver, then gulped. "Uh…hi, Ma…"

"Romeo, get in the car right now," said Stefania.

"No," said Lampwick. He crossed his arms and shook his head.

"That's it," said Stefania. She got out and pulled Lampwick's ear, making him go to the car.

"Ow, Ma! That's my ear! I need that for hearing! Ma!" Lampwick yelled.

"Thanks for picking him up," said Geppetto.

"No problem," said Stefania. She looked tired when she let go of Lampwick's ear and spoke to him. "Romeo, please don't do this today. Your father had to get a stick removed from his butt at the proctologist."

Lampwick mumbled "Sorry", then got in the car. Stefania got in the driver seat. "Sorry about this, Geppetto. Bye." She drove Lampwick to school.

* * *

><p>Geppetto and Pinocchio took the bus back home, once again listening to the Coachman telling people to be quiet, and Stromboli cursing in Italian because of his butt not fitting in the bus. They also ignored Honest John calling Pinocchio "Four-Eyes". Pinocchio later learned that Lampwick was grounded for a week because of skipping school and bothering people for the heck of it.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: <strong>This is the final chapter of this story. Stay tuned for my sequel, _Lampy's Braces_.


End file.
